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Sex and Parental Values

a "sex-neutral" approach to protecting youth

Forum: Strap-on.org
Date: 06/04/2004

my parents are freaking out on my (cool, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, punk) 16 year old twin sisters because they are sexual with their boy and girl friends and party all the time (drugs and alcohol) and make bad grades. and a part of me thinks that my parents are right to tell my sisters that they are doing things wrong regaurding being so sexual at their age. but i am not sure how to feel. cuz i lost my virginity when i was 15 and i'm non-monogamous and queer and slutty as hell my own self.

so i guess my question for all you queer sex-positive types is where do you draw the line? how much is too much? how young is too young? should i talk to my sisters and tell them to slow down or just keep telling them that its okay as long as they are safe?

First, parents are perfectly entitled to talk to their children about values they hold. However, values are something that cannot be taught or pushed on others: it is something one develops from all the personal interactions and circumstances that form the totality of the environment surrounding the person. Nobody can transmit values directly to others--and especially not by scolding someone or telling her she is bad.

Should parents discuss their values with their cool, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, punk daughters? Absolutely. But they shouldn't expect that their values would dictate their teenage daughters' behaviors. If, in the totality of the girls' life experiences, they have developed respect for the parents' moral authority, then certainly sharing of their values may impact their daughters' behaviors in some way, even if it's not exactly the way parents wish them to behave.

Second, if not wanting them to make mistakes is the reason for having reservations about the girls' behavior, then telling that they are doing something wrong is not the way to address it. Here, I think it would be beneficial--assuming that you and your parents have earned respect for you moral authority--for you and your parents to offer personal insights you have gained through achievements and mistakes you have made in your own lives.

I've been (wrongly, I think) referred to as a "sex positive" at times, but I'm more like sex-neutral. I don't think that sex is particularly good compared to other fun things a person could do. The main advantage of sex over other entertainment is that it's free or relatively low cost (unless you pay for the service, of course). I can't really say any more that it's safer than other activities such as playing baseball or listening to music, but there are ways to do it relatively safely. In a way, I'm de-mystifying sex from both sides rather than just one.

So, while I am firmly against the repression of sex and sexualities, I don't particularly glorify sex and I am annoyed as hell by the sex-positive fundamentalists who have little tolerance for people who are different from them. Wouldn't it be ridiculous, for example, for someone to say that people who don't enjoy basketball as much as they do are not really in touch with themselves? Some sex-positive fundamentalists would assert that sex is more fundamental than basketball because it's our biological urge--a mistake, because the sex-negative side could use the same exact reasoning to argue that heterosexuality is superior to other forms of sexualities.

But unlike sports, sexuality is a site of massive repression, violence, and exploitation in our society (I was going to say a site of "inequality," then caught myself remembering how shitty top women basketball players are treated compared to their male counterpart). Whereas basketball has universally recognized rules and regulations to address safety needs of participants, the regulation of sex, if any, is often based on someone's personal value rather than on the actual needs of the participants. So it makes sense to say that young people need to be introduced to sex with caution and protected from some of the potential hazards--unfortunately, however, those who advocate for the "protection" of children and teenagers from sexual "mistakes" often fail to address specific pitfalls of being sexually (hyper)active young.

In short, we as a society need to build a culture in which young people can naturally (that is, from the totality of her or his surrounding) learn how to protect themselves, but unfortunately we don't have that culture yet. I think it's reasonable to feel that teenagers often have not learned these skills anywhere and therefore they may run into hazardous situations. However, telling them that it's bad to have sex when they are young is not going to work, as shown in any number of scientific studies about "abstinence-only" educational programs officially sanctioned and promoted by our right-wing government here in the U.S. Harm reduction, on the contrary, works.

We can't change the culture overnight, but we can start from changing our family dynamics so that we are talking openly about sexuality with all of its joys and pitfalls. If it is your and your parents' assessment that the girls do not yet have skills to protect themselves, we need to think about how we can help them, as family members, learn the skills, rather than making a moral judgment about it or saying that they are too young for this or that. Again, it matters how much weight you have in the totality of your sisters' universe--but I think you might have a better chance of helping them as someone who is "non-monogamous and queer and slutty as hell."