April 2000 Off Our Backs Letters section no more cooptation Dear off our backs, Congratulations on your 30th anniversary. I'm so glad that you're still going and still have your politics. I really appreciate all your work and your international & U.S. Lesbian & feminist news & articles. In you Dec. issue, I especially liked Karla's defense of Lesbians who are passionate without S&M. I agree S&M weakens passion (& I believe love as well) & has to make love-making feel empty. It certainly can't match truly Lesbian loving. Yet there's so much propaganda equating S&M with being a Lesbian. So thank you, Karla. I also appreciated Pauline Bart saying how betrayed & upset she feels by the loss of the Women's-Liberation Movement in how it's reflected in the general & Lesbian media. I've felt upset too for years now at the co-optation of collectives into mainstream businesses, with directors & boards of directors making high salaries while those who volunteered & created Lesbian & feminist organizations have nothing -- not even the organizations left. And the increasing feminization of the Lesbian & gay media does make it look like Lesbians are porn models. (By "feminization," I meal male-defined & created femininity, which is the opposite of what is truly female.) I appreciate Betsy Brown asking for feedback in her article. I'm also a Lesbian Separatist & have been since 1972 (& have been working to build Lesbian community since 1970). I agree with her list of what she would like to see happen instead of having marriage rights. However, I'm very concerned with what actually is possible to accomplish. I don't think patriarchy or the U.S. government will end any time soon. I'm very concerned about saving & improving Lesbians' lives now. Marriage is not going to be allowed, but there is a real possibility that marriage rights or equivalent rights will happen. They have begun happening in other countries. So while I agree with Betsy about why she's against marriage as an institution & understand why she doesn't want Lesbians expending energy on nonLesbian issues, I think marriage rights are important to support even if just by voting. And I would rather Lesbians work for our rights to marry (which can literally save some Lesbians' lives) than for issues that help primarily gay men & het & bisexual women, like AIDS support & abortion rights & helping prostitutes. I wouldn't care about marriage, & I, as a life-loving Lesbian, never wanted to get married, except that it is the only way in the near (or far, probably) future that we will be able to have the rights that married hets have now. Even a domestic partnership-type law would probably not let us have the right to let lovers from other countries stay in the U.S. Whereas if the U.S. made same-sex marriages fully legal, then that would influence other countries to do the same. Unlike Betsy's thoughtful article, I've known Lesbians who think wanting the same marriage rights as bets is a joke & actively work against it. They say there should be no marriage for anyone. I agree but I also know that that is not going to happen. I can't understand those who seem so arrogant -- are they so protected by their (usually class as well as other privileges) that they can't imagine going through the hell of never knowing when their lover may be deported because she doesn't have the class privilege to legally stay with them in the U.S. (which I have gone through)? Can they really not identify with an illegal Lesbian who lives in poverty & never has health care, a decent job, or legal rights? Do they not think of Lesbians living in countries where being a Lesbian is punishable by death or imprisonment, who want to come to the U.S. & who would only be able to if they could marry a U.S. Lesbian? Have they forgotten what Sharon Kowalski and Karen Thompson went through -- after Sharon was seriously injured in a car accident & unable to communicate, her father kept them apart for years & prevented Sharon from getting physical therapy that could have helped her recover better. Even when Lesbians try to get legal protection, families can sometimes still deny us access to those we love. My lover has been through the hell of being kept away from her first lover when she was dying because her lover's family had ultimate power. It is still happening to Lesbians. Only legal marriage can protect us. If we're against marriage, let's first get equal rights with hets & then try to ban all marriage. One of the main arguments against marriage is that it's a male & het institution, just as monogamy is said to be. But actually, males are rarely monogamous -- they just want females to be so they can own them. Some males (those who are against marriage) may be more honest about wanting to be able to fuck as many females as possible, but most males (if not all) actually feel that way. I believe that Lesbians would be naturally monogamous if we weren't so influenced by male & het culture. Similarly, it's not very acceptable to talk about loving & being in love with your lover -- it's far more acceptable to say you want "sex" or feel "sexual" or even that you want to "fuck" a Lesbian, & that is the epitome of being male. I think it's important for Lesbians to stop feeling ashamed or afraid of being ridiculed if they say they love their lovers & want to be monogamous -- or even married. I don't think those of us who have refused to be mainstream & be part of the het & male power structure for most of our lives are going to suddenly change if we have the legal protection of marriage. For those who already have decided to enmesh themselves in patriarchy & are hetidentified, being able to marry won't make much difference. Those who are vehemently opposed to marriage rights are often those who are against voting, saying it doesn't make any difference who's president, etc. Again, these are often among the most privileged Lesbians. I can't imagine them having to worry about being homeless, having no health care, etc. It's true, the voting choices are seldom good, but even so, who we vote for can determine dramatic differences in the quality of life we have or whether we live or die -- which is why people died to have the right to vote. We may hate the lesser of two evils for president, senator, governor, etc., but that choice can decide who will become judges including on the Supreme Court. The class differences are dramatically changing & the more the right wing is elected, the more Lesbians and oppressed people die. 1 am against the entire structure of our government, but I'm aware & oppressed enough to know my easily mailed absentee ballot can make a difference. I want to ask all Lesbians -- even if you're so privileged that you can't imagine voting helping your life, do it for those of us who wish less oppressed lives. I also wanted to add that I like Alix Dobkin's article where she reminds Lesbians of our past & how over 25 years ago there was much female-only space & stronger Lesbian communities. It is definitely NOT better now. Where I live, in Oakland & the San Francisco Bay Area, there used to be so many Lesbian events -- parties, dances, concerts, readings, & plays, which were female-only & affordable, with no poor Lesbian turned away. Now there is very little & what there is is often too expensive for many Lesbians to afford, including private clubs that because of their lack of sliding scale keep out classoppressed Lesbians. There is more Lesbian money (Lesbians with high incomes) than ever before, but that only means a weaker community that's based on class segregation. The irony is that many of these class-privileged Lesbians would not have become Lesbians & would not have their high-paying jobs if not for the political work many of us did in the 1970's and 1980's. I also wanted to ask if you would print a letter I sent to Lesbian Connection recently in response to many hostile & insulting letters that they printed supporting "male to female transsexuals" having access to female-. only space. One letter even suggested separate showers at the Michigan Womyn's Music festival for those who don't want to have to see penises in the shower s! The reason I'm sending my letter to you it because it's very unlikely it would be published in LC or, if they do, that they'd edit it until it's unrecognizable. Female-only space is so important to defend! Again, thank you for all your work. bev jo